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Drug jokes

"Search for the mind's "funny bone" has shed new light on the mysteries of merriment, revealing that the reason humour is addictive is that it activates "reward centers" in the brain. Amusing cartoons activated a region of the brain, called the nucleus accumbens, that has previously been linked with happiness and with cocaine- and amphetamine-induced euphoria."

The Telegraph, London


I love to read, tell and listen to jokes. Unfortunately good ones about drugs seem to be rare. But here is a small collection with some that are great, some that are OK and also a few rather silly ones. (thanks to those who contributed!)

Enjoy.

 

New jokes november 2010:

Rave full of epileptics
Amy Winehouse
Hens on the rave
Why did the religious person stop smoking
Princess Diana's favourite drugs


The older ones:

Tell when an addict is lying
Gay magic mushroom

Man on acid
Blonde snort
E and birth control pills
Crackhead in a suit

Stays up for 14 days
Best thing about being a meth addict
Worst thing about snorting a lot
Women addicted to heroin
Room full of tweakers
Amphetamines are used by millions ...

The Speedfreak and the genie
Deadheads
Guy in a whorehouse
Pick out the tweaker in a grocery store
Crank users & the doggie style
Three guys in hell
The heroin addicts IQ test
Two guys tripping on a porch
The Rabbit
Carmen

Two guys before the judge
Stay away from meth

Nine fleas
Stoners change a lightbulb
An insult
Top ten scariest people
Jesus tries drugs
Drug dealer and prostitute
Sex in the dark
Cement
Alkohol and calculus
You know you're a stoner when ...


Q: What do you call a rave full of epileptics?
A: A foam party.



Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.
She says to him, "What do you do?"
He replies, "Top Gear".
She says "Fucking brilliant I'll have two grams"



Q: Why did the hens get thrown out from the boat rave?
A: Because they was taking eggs to sea.



Q: Why did the religious person give up smoking?
A: Because god hates fags



Q: What were Princess Diana's favourite drugs?
A: Speed & Smack



Q: How can you tell when an addict is lying?
A: When he opens up his mouth. (No offense, addicts of the world)



Q: What did the one gay magic mushroom say to the other gay magic mushroom?
A: How's it going fun guy?



A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on."



Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

 

Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?
A: A trip without the kids.




Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?

A: "Will the defendant please rise"



Q: What do you call someone who stays up for 14 days straight?
A: A two-weeker.


Q: What's the best thing about being a meth addict?
A: Only one sleep till christmas.

 


Q: What is the worst thing about having snorted way too much meth?

A: You have to hold the jet when you take a leak.




Q: What do women addicted to heroin got in common with ice-hockey players?

A: They both change clothes after three periods.


Q: What do you have in a room full of tweakers?
A: A complete set of teeth!



Amphetamines are used by millions of American kids and adults every day to treat attention-deficit


A speedfreak is out walking one fine evening. He finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."

The speedfreak says, "I want a big bag of meth!", the genie says."Okay." POOF, the bag appears! They prepare some thick long white lines and share it between the two of them.

The next morning the genie asks "What's the second wish?", "I want two big bags of meth", says the speedfreak. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they prepare it and snort it between the two of them.

The next morning the genie asks "And the third wish?" "I want four big bags of meth!" POOOF!! So, they prepare lots of big lines and share it between the two of them.

Much later the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."


Q. What did one deadhead say to the other when he ran out of weed?

A. "Hey man, this music sucks!"



So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress:

- "Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"
The lady says:
- "Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right."
The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures:
- "Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.

So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam:

- "Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"
- "Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time".

The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.

-"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says
- "Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"


Q: How can you pick out the tweaker in the grocery store?
A: He is the one with his cart flipped upside down fixing the wheels!




Q: Why do crank-users like to "do it" doggie style?
A: So, they can both look out the window at the same time.


(Don't get it? Speed => paranoia)

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"


Q: What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?

A: Drool.



Two guys are sitting on the porch of their house, tripping on LSD. Suddenly, a firetruck races down the street, flashing its lights and howling its sirens.
After it passes, one tripper turns to the other and says, "Phew! Man, I thought he'd never go away!"

The Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the
forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks
at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the
rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit
again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks
at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and
starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some
smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're
doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you
will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and
starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the
presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they
reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!' The lion answers, 'That little f**ker has me running around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'

 


George, a party animal, spots a nice looking woman in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his
eyes. "And what is your name?"
"Mr Snortscrew"

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."


My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a fifteen-foot straw.



Q: There were nine fleas on a fanny. Four of them were smoking dope what were the other five doing?

A: Sniffing Crack.



Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning



If you ever need to insult someone, try this:
- I heard that your mother was a speedfreak whore in a leper colony for 15 years and loved every minute of it, until she found out that the other whores got paid ...


The following advertisement (placed by PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA) appeared in the Friday, November 22, 1992
issue of the Harvard Crimson:
TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH

10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler.
9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem.
8. Near sighted knife juggler.
7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator.
6. Grown men named "Biff."
5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors.
4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you.
3. Brain surgeon with hiccups.
2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw.
1. People who offer you rugs.

PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA

The misprint was rectified in the next day's paper.

 



Jesus sees that planet earth is going down the drain because so many people use something called drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus...

The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music sounds so great!"

Then Paul comes with some amphetamine... Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"

Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look soo... strange".

He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile...

"Sooooo..... Judas ..... my ..... brother" he says, "What did .... you bring?"

Judas: "Errr... I brought ... the cops!"


Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ...
A: ... A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.



A young man and woman on LSD started to have sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said:
"I can't see what I'm doing. I wish I had a flashlight, or nightvision."
The woman said:
"Yeah, so do I. You've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."



Q: What do you get if you swallow 10 kilos of cement?
A: Stoned.



Alcohol and calculus dont mix...Dont drink and derive.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER WHEN..... (45 reasons)

--Every story you tell begins with, "We were really high and..."
--You buy your Visine (eye-drops) at a wholesale club
--You're a Bob Marley fan and you don't even like reggae
- Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you.
--Someone asks you for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb
--The High Times centerfold turns you on
--Every vacation you wind up in Amsterdam or Jamaica
--Your friends call you Smokey
--Your parents call you Smokey
--Smoking resi on a daily basis is essential to keep your bowl from getting clogged
--Your cigarette gets way too heavy
--You think everyone is staring at you and there's nobody in the room
--All you want to do is drink & smoke & eat & smoke & chill & smoke...
--Your room turns into your grow room
--The lab technician testing your urine sample gets high off the fumes
--Your best friend just happens to be your dealer
--You vote Harry Browne for president
--A friend without weed is a friend in need
--Your bumper sticker reads "Honk for Hemp"
--Someone finds a roach in your room, it's not a bad thing
--Your bong becomes an extension of your arm
--You went to a Hempfest
--You can't remember the Hempfest
--Your video collection consists of endless Cheech and Chong sequels
--Your too phoned to stone home
--Your creativity is only used when you have nothing to smoke out of
--You can ask for weed in other languages
--The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted
--Sorting out life's problems, the answer is always roll, lick and smoke
--You want to have kids named Herb, Bud and MaryJane
--You were born caucasian but all your friends assume you're Chinese
--Your clothes are full of burnholes from dropped joints
--You learn about the KGB in history class and all you can think about are green sticky buds
--If an autobiography of your life was made into a movie, it would be called "Waiting to Inhale"
--You own too many pairs of Birkenstocks
--Breakfast consists of a spliff, some OJ, and a bowl packed with Fruity Pebbles
--You smoke your screens and save your roaches
--You clean out your car and smoke the shake you found on your car mats
--You forget your friends' names
--You forget your own name
--Your motto in life is "Why ask Why? Just Get High"
--You call people you don't even like to hang out with, just because you know they've got buds
--You roll your blunts fatter than your 40oz
--You begin hearing knocks at the door and CD skips that aren't there
--You find yourself in the kitchen eating everything but Spam...then you eat the Spam
AND THE FINAL REASON YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER...
When you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.


 

Please send me an e-mail at robbie (a] scahr.info if you can add a joke or two to this list.

Copyright © Rob J . 2004-2014